The Cost
by Liz4
Summary: After a shocking revelAtion, can Spencer pick up the pieces?
1. Chapter 1

Title: The Cost  
By: Liz  
Disclaimers: I own nothing.  
Author's Notes: Okay, so I've been watching PLL for a few months and just as I fall completely in love with Spoby and get caught up on everything, they do this to all of us Spoby fans. This is my first attempt at a PLL fic and I hope it will be all right. And I know this isn't the direction in which the show is going but it's where this story and I are going so I hope you enjoy!

* * *

"_Love has been the cause  
__Of all this suffering."  
__-_The Frames_, The Cost_

Spencer set her phone down on the coffee table and sank back on her couch with a sigh. She had been waiting for her mother and Melissa to get home so the three could drive to New York City where they had planned to spend a rare weekend together. Unfortunately, her mother had just phoned to tell Spencer that she had been called into an emergency meeting with her co-counsel in Pittsburgh where she was going to have to spend the weekend working on an upcoming case. Her mother had apparently already spoken to Melissa who in light of this news had decided to stay in Philly and catch up on her schoolwork and Spencer was suddenly looking at an unexpected free weekend. And with her father at a conference in California until the following Thursday, it was also another weekend alone.

As she sat there on the couch, the idea of spending yet another weekend alone in her big empty house became more and more unappealing to Spencer and she decided another change in plans was definitely in order. Toby was gone for the weekend doing some work in Bucks County but she knew where he hid the spare key to his loft and deciding that hanging out there alone was a hell of a lot better than hanging out at her house, she grabbed her bag and headed over to Toby's.

When she reached the door to her boyfriend's loft, she stretched up on her toes and ran her fingers along the top of the doorframe until they came in contact with the extra key. Smiling triumphantly to herself, she unlocked the door before replacing the key and letting herself in. Closing the door behind her, she stopped, taking a moment to inhale the scents of sawdust and Toby and coffee and home that surrounded her, immediately feeling the stress of the week melt away.

After a moment, she realized that the coffee smell was stronger than it would be were it just wafting up from the coffee shop below and when Spencer made her way into the small kitchen, she saw that there was a still warm pot of coffee sitting on the coffee maker. She couldn't stop the giddy smile that settled on her lips at the realization that Toby's weekend plans seemed to have been cancelled as well. Suddenly, the weekend was looking up. Deciding to surprise him, she headed into his bedroom to await his return.

Dropping her bag onto his bed, she flopped down into the comfortable overstuffed chair by the window, allowing herself a happy sigh at the thought of an unexpected weekend with her boyfriend. With both of their schedules being so incredibly busy lately, their time spent together had been kept to a minimum the past few weeks and Spencer was definitely looking forward to making up for lost time.

Something on the chair was jabbing into her hip and she reached under her to pull out the offending object. The soft cotton had been shoved into the chair in a lump and Spencer shook it out in front of her, barely noticing as something clattered to the floor, her eyes fixed on the item of clothing in front of her.

After all this time and the numerous articles of clothing Spencer had stolen from him, she was pretty familiar with the contents of Toby's wardrobe. She knew for a fact that she had never seen this black hoodie before. The thought that it might be someone else's was quickly quashed as Toby's well loved scent had enveloped her when she'd shaken it out.

She looked to the bedroom floor to see what had fallen and she froze, hoodie still hanging from her hands. An unfamiliar cell phone lay on the floor next to the chair. Cautiously, Spencer reached over the edge of the chair and picked it up. It definitely wasn't Toby's phone but the lack of identifying information on the screen and the necessity of a password made actually accessing whatever was in it or figuring out just whom it did belong to impossible.

A cold prickling feeling ran down the back of Spencer's neck and suddenly on edge, she quickly rose, shoving the phone back in the pocket of the hoodie and dropping the bundle on the chair.

_It's just a phone. It's just a sweatshirt_, she told herself, trying to push down the unsettled feeling in her stomach. Still, before she knew quite what she was doing, she made her way to Toby's dresser and began methodically going through each drawer.

Nothing was amiss in his dresser or in his closet, which she searched after finishing with the dresser, and as she turned to his desk, she tried to tell herself that she was being ridiculous, that all of the paranoia with A had finally driven her over the edge. This was Toby, her safe place to land, the one person in the world other than the girls that she could always trust to be honest with her. She was seeing danger where there was none.

Thousands if not millions of people had black hooded sweatshirts. And no, she didn't recognize the phone, but that didn't mean anything. It could be a phone Toby had gotten strictly for work. Or maybe it belonged to one of his coworkers and he had accidentally picked it up at work one day. Or maybe a coworker had forgotten it and Toby had picked it up for him. Toby was always doing little things like that, looking out for the people around him, she was sure that was all it was, just Toby being a nice guy.

The narrative racing through her brain, however, was not doing the trick and she slowly approached his desk, sitting down in the chair and sliding open the first drawer. The top drawer held pens and pencils, scraps of paper, bills, and a set of keys while the second drawer held an assortment of woodworking tools. The bottom drawer didn't budge and after a second, Spencer realized it was locked. Remembering the set of keys in the top drawer, Spencer pulled them from the drawer, sorting through the keys until she found a likely match and stuck it in the drawer's lock.

Her internal monologue telling her that she was acting crazy and should be ashamed of herself stopped abruptly as she opened the drawer to find a single manila envelope. Trying to still her suddenly shaky hands, Spencer reached into the drawer and pulled out the envelope, setting it on the desk.

Her brain screamed at her to put the envelope back and pretend she had never seen it but she felt as if she were no longer in control of her body as she bent the flap back and slowly turned the envelope upside down, emptying its contents on the desk top. A smaller envelope with familiar handwriting looked back at her and she forced herself to open it, pulling out a letter whose contents she already knew by heart.

She felt her throat close up, her body going numb as her brain refused to process the evidence before her. Since A had come into her life, there had been a number of terrifying, gut churning moments where Spencer's world had felt like it was about to turn upside down. This one left them all in the dust.

On autopilot, she returned the envelope to its original spot and relocked the drawer. Picking up her bag from the bed, she let herself out of the loft, locking the door behind her.

She didn't remember driving home but the next thing she knew, she was sitting on the couch in her living room. Somehow, she managed to get a text message out to her best friends. _S.O.S._

It wasn't long before her phone beeped with a message. Aria. _I'm with Em, we're on our way_.

Spencer had no idea how long she had been sitting there before the back door opened and Aria and Emily came in. "Spencer?" Emily flicked on the overhead light, gasping slightly in surprise when she saw Spencer sitting motionless on the couch.

"Spencer, what is it? What happened?" Emily asked as the girls hurried to her, taking a seat on either side of her on the couch.

Spencer didn't even look at her friends. "Toby."

"What? What happened? Is he okay?" Emily asked, eyes wide.

"A," was all she could get out.

"Spencer, you're scaring me," Aria said, her voice beginning to rise in panic as she grabbed one of Spencer's hands. "What's going on?" Spencer finally turned to face her and Aria caught her breath at the empty look in her friend's eyes. "Spencer?" she asked again, her tone softening. "You can tell us anything, you know that."

Spencer nodded and she finally found her voice again, her voice devoid of any emotion. "Toby is working with A."

Aria gasped, her hand flying up to cover her mouth. Emily's mouth opened slightly but she made no sound as she stared at Spencer in horrified disbelief.

"Are, are you sure?" Aria finally managed to ask.

She explained how she had gone to his loft after her weekend plans had been cancelled and had found a black hoodie and strange cell phone in his bedroom.

"But Spence, lots of people have black hoodies," Aria pointed out reasonably. "And that phone might not even be his. It's probably not what you're thinking."

Spencer shook her head. "He has my letter."

"What letter?"

"The letter I buried with Alison," she replied in a whisper.

Emily felt sick to her stomach. This couldn't really be happening, right? Toby was her friend, could he really be responsible for the horror the girls had endured over the past year and a half? Could he really have done such awful things to the girl he had professed to love?

"What did he say?" Aria spoke up, interrupting Emily's train of thought. "When you showed him?"

"He wasn't there," Spencer said. "He's supposed to be away working this weekend but that was a lie, too, I guess."

"Maybe you need to talk to him," Emily said gently.

Spencer shook her head again. "I can't, I can't." Her voice broke and Emily wrapped her arm around Spencer's shoulders, pulling her against her side as her friend took a shuddering breath and attempted to compose herself.

"Are your parents home this weekend? Or Melissa?" Spencer's older sister probably wouldn't be much of a comfort but Emily couldn't stand the thought of Spencer being alone after her world had just been so thoroughly shattered.

Spencer shook her head. "Just me," she replied, her gaze fixed on her feet.

Aria and Emily exchanged a look before Aria picked up her phone. "We're going to Hanna's for the weekend," she decided, punching in their blonde friend's number before Spencer could object.

"Hanna, we're coming over," Aria informed their friend when she picked up. "We'll explain when we get there." Hanging up the phone, she rose and turned back to Emily and Spencer on the couch. "I'm going to grab a few things for you for the weekend, okay, Spence?" Aria asked.

Still staring at the floor, Spencer nodded and after sharing another quick glance with Emily, Aria hurried upstairs to Spencer's bedroom.

The room was silent for a few moments, Aria's actions upstairs the only sound in the large house, until Spencer finally spoke.

"How, Em?" she whispered.

"I know," Emily said, tightening the arm that was wrapped around Spencer and rubbing her arm soothingly. How could they both have been so wrong about a guy they had thought they'd known so well?

"Was any of it ever real?"

Emily felt her heart break for her friend at the plaintive question and she held Spencer tighter, trying to offer her suffering friend what comfort she could.

Aria returned moments later with an overnight bag and wordlessly, the three girls piled into Emily's car and headed over to Hanna's.

Hanna must have heard the car because she opened the door before the girls had even reached her front porch. "I'm so sorry, I left my phone upstairs. We just needed really needed some time off from A for a night," she added quietly. Seeing Spencer blanch at her last statement, Hanna's eyebrows furrowed in concern. "What's going on? Are you okay, Spence?"

Emily held up a hand, signaling to Hanna to hold off on the questions for the moment as she led Spencer inside. The group made their way to the living room where Emily seated Spencer on the couch before sitting down next to her. Aria perched on the arm of the couch and Hanna and Caleb sat down in the oversized chair across from them.

"Okay, **now** can someone tell me what's going on?" Hanna asked impatiently.

Emily and Aria exchanged a look and Aria opened her mouth to speak but Spencer beat her to it. "Toby is part of the A team," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

Hanna's eyes widened and she gripped Caleb's arm. "What? That can't, no, that's not possible. He wouldn't do that. He loves you, Spence."

Seeing the distraught expression on Spencer's face, Caleb decided to intervene. "Can you tell us what happened, Spencer?" he asked, his voice gentler than the girls were used to hearing it.

Fighting to keep her voice steady, Spencer once again explained how she had gone over to Toby's loft, not expecting him to be home, and had discovered the strange hoodie and cellphone. "And when I looked in his desk, I found the letter I buried with Ali," she finished quietly.

Emily sighed. "I know it looks bad, Spencer, but what if A did this? I still think you should talk to him, give him a chance to explain."

"What? No way!" Hanna objected, her disbelief in Toby's guilt clearly having done a complete 180. "What's to explain? He has her _letter_, Em. He's on the A team, it's not safe for her to go talk to him. Who knows how long this has been going on? He could have had something to do with Garrett! Or even Ali."

Emily paled as Spencer lurched to her feet, covering her hand with her mouth as she raced from the room.

"Hanna!" Aria scolded as she jumped up and hurried after her friend, the others following closely behind.

"What? It's not like I was the only one thinking it," Hanna defended herself as they stopped outside the downstairs bathroom.

Joining her in the bathroom, Emily held Spencer's hair back, securing it with a hair tie from her wrist and rubbing gentle circles on her friend's back. As Spencer emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet, the four friends exchanged worried looks. What the hell were they going to do now?


	2. Chapter 2

**Title**: The Cost  
**By**: Liz  
**Disclaimers**: I own nothing  
**Author's Notes**: First off, this chapter is rated **M** for the beginning and for a bit of language later on so please take that into consideration. Secondly, thank you so much to everyone for reading, reviewing, following, and favoriting, I really appreciate it. I hope you enjoy chapter 2!

* * *

"_You fooled me with your kisses  
__You cheated and you schemed  
__Heaven knows how you lied to me  
__You're not the way you seemed."  
_- Elvis Presley, _(You're the) Devil in Disguise_

Something was different, Spencer knew that right away, but as she looked up to meet Toby's loving gaze with her own, she also found she didn't care all that much. He hovered over her, his hand cupping her face as his thumb traced gentle circles on her cheek. "Are you sure?" he asked softly.

She smiled up at him. "Yes."

Toby smiled back before leaning down to kiss her tenderly as he guided himself inside of her. Spencer's hand fisted her sheet as Toby entered her, easing up after a moment to trail up his arm to his shoulder and then behind his neck, her fingers threading in his hair as their lips met again. She moaned his name against his lips as his large, calloused hand cupped her breast, his thumb gently brushing back and forth over her sensitive skin.

She couldn't seem to stop touching him – his face, his back, his arms. She wanted more of him and she desperately rocked her hips into his as his lips moved to her neck, trailing gentle kisses down her throat and across her collarbone.

She sighed happily, closing her eyes as Toby's gentle caresses continued, his lips and hands taking the time to thoroughly worship her body. She had never felt so loved, so safe, so cherished as she did when she was wrapped in Toby's arms.

"I love you, Spencer."

Her eyelids fluttered open and she smiled dreamily up at Toby. "I love you, too," she whispered.

He smiled back at her before he raised his right arm and Spencer's eyes widened at the large knife clutched in his fist. His smile turned dark as the knife plunged down toward her chest.

Spencer awoke screaming.

The girls, who had all been sound asleep in various positions in Hanna's room, shot awake at Spencer's cries and Hanna rushed to turn on the light as she and Emily stumbled out of bed.

Aria, who had been sleeping next to Spencer, grabbed her friend by the shoulders, forcing her to look at her. "Spencer! Spence! Hey, look at me. It's Aria. You're safe, okay? You're safe."

Her eyes wild with terror, Spencer stared at Aria a moment before her eyes came back into focus and as Aria watched, her friend seemed to crumble before her eyes, collapsing into Aria's arms as she sobbed brokenly against her shoulder.

As the other girls converged on the bed and attempted to comfort Spencer, the door to Hanna's bedroom flew open to reveal Ashley and Caleb. "Hanna!" Hanna quickly made her way over to them, herding them back into the hall and closing her door behind her.

"Hanna, what's going on? Is everything okay? I heard screaming," Ashley said, a concerned look on her face.

Hanna sighed. "Everything's fine. Spencer just had a nightmare," she explained.

Ashley did not look convinced. "That must have been some bad dream."

"Mom, you know Spencer, she's under a lot of stress," Hanna replied, fighting back a grimace at the serious understatement. "And she and Toby are, uh, going through a really harsh break up," she added, shooting Caleb a look.

Ashley still looked dubious and she hadn't missed the look Hanna and Caleb had shared but she also silently acknowledged the fact that Peter and Veronica's youngest daughter was fairly high strung so she didn't push it. "All right, well, let me know if there's anything I can do."

"Thanks, mom," Hanna said, hugging her mom quickly before Ashley returned to her bedroom, leaving Hanna and Caleb alone in the hallway.

"Are you okay?" Caleb asked softly.

Hanna sighed. "Yeah, I guess. But I think I should get back in there. Spencer needs us right now."

"Is she going to be okay?" Caleb hadn't known the brunette very long but he considered her a friend and hadn't liked seeing her so upset any more than the girls had.

Hanna shrugged, gesturing with her hands. "I've never seen her anywhere close to this before, not even when she was first accused of Ali's murder. I just can't believe this is happening." She sighed, rubbing her hands over her face. "Poor Spence. God, I could kill Toby for putting her through this."

Caleb nodded in understanding, rubbing her arm comfortingly. "If you need anything, I'm right across the hall, okay?"

The blonde smiled at her boyfriend, leaning up to press a soft, lingering kiss to his lips. "Thank you."

She pulled back slightly, studying Caleb's face a moment. "What?"

"We're always going to tell each other the truth, right?" Hanna asked.

Caleb nodded. "No more secrets or lies." He smirked at her. "Of course, that means you have to tell me if my jeans make my ass look big."

Caleb's teasing had the desired effect and Hanna giggled for a moment before she caught herself, casting a guilty glance at her bedroom door.

"Go," Caleb said, "It'll be all right. I'll see you in the morning, okay?"

"K. Night." She watched her boyfriend return to the guest room before she turned back to face her own bedroom door, hesitating for a moment before she opened the door and reentered her room.

The truth was, she was scared, she acknowledged to herself as she stood just inside her room, leaning back against the closed door. She didn't know how to deal with this Spencer and she was terrified she wouldn't be able to help her

She was used to brilliant, anal retentive, take no prisoners Spencer Hastings. The girl currently sitting on Hanna's bed sobbing her eyes out was not the brave, confident girl Hanna knew. This girl was someone Hanna didn't recognize. She was…broken.

Of the four girls, Spencer had always been the least trusting and since the trauma of A had started, she had seen enemies everywhere. But somehow Toby had broken down her defenses and wormed his way into her life and her heart.

The tightly wound brunette, unstoppable in a drive to succeed that had been ingrained in her by her family and her own inner motivations, had clearly been changed by her relationship with Toby. Spencer was still an incredibly driven, studious individual, but since Toby had come into her life, she had seemed to relax a little, had even begun to give herself a break when she wasn't 110% perfect in every aspect of her life. Toby had calmed her, eased her mind and her heart, giving her that sense of love and home that Spencer had never gotten from her biological family. Hanna wasn't sure how her intense friend was ever going to survive this blow.

"It's going to be okay, Spence," Aria soothed as Emily rubbed her back. "You're going to get through this. We're here and we're not going anywhere."

Aria's words penetrated Hanna's grim musings and she nodded to herself, pulling herself together as she focused on the situation at hand. The four of them had survived so much together and no matter how bad it had gotten, they had always been there for each other and they had always made it through; they were not going to let this break them. Spencer had always been the strong one, the one who was there for all of them even when things were at their worst. Now it was their turn to carry her for a little while.

Hanna joined her friends on the bed and they each took turns holding the devastated girl, whispering words of comfort and support, promising her over and over that they would get through this latest heartbreak together.

It was a long time before anyone in the house got back to sleep that night.

* * *

It was close to noon by the time everyone rose on Saturday and after downing gallons of coffee and trying to draw a mostly unresponsive Spencer into conversation about the previous night, Emily drove to Paige's house to update her on the latest A development while Caleb and the rest of the girls headed into town.

"Do you want to come to my mom's with me?" Aria asked Spencer once Caleb had parked the car and the group was standing on the sidewalk by Lucky Leon's. The tiny brunette was dropping off a few books at Ella's apartment and Hanna and Caleb were going to the Italian market to pick up ingredients for another joint dinner project that evening.

Spencer shook her head; she really didn't feel up to any type of social interaction at the moment. "I need to grab a book for my French essay, I'm going to see if Bookends has it in stock." She didn't add that she add no idea how she was possibly going to pay attention to a novel written in archaic French much less write an essay on it, but she was desperate for something to take her mind off of her current situation.

"Okay. We'll pick you up outside when we're done if that's all right," Caleb told her. Spencer agreed and the four friends split up, heading for their separate destinations.

Once in the store, Spencer quickly found the book she needed and spent a few minutes browsing through the store to give Hanna and Caleb time to finish their shopping. Her heart wasn't in it, however, and she soon gave up, paying for her book and leaving the store.

She stepped outside and glanced at her watch, pursing her lips when she discovered she'd only been in the bookstore for five minutes. It would probably be better, she decided, to just walk over to the market and meet Hanna and Caleb so she wasn't stuck standing around waiting.

Glancing to her right as she shifted her bag to her other hand, she froze, feeling her heart catch in her throat as her eyes landed on a person standing halfway down the block. She would know that profile anywhere. Toby. She turned sharply to her left and quickly began to walk down the sidewalk, praying he wouldn't turn her way. She knew she would have to talk to him eventually but right now, her wounds were still too raw to even think about facing him.

She had reached the end of the block and was about to duck into an alleyway and call Hanna when her plans for escape were dashed.

"Spencer?"

Her stomach clenched and she tried to take a deep breath to steel herself for the confrontation as she turned around to see Toby quickly approaching.

"Hey!" Toby exclaimed, clearly happy to see his girlfriend. "I thought you weren't home until Monday." He stepped forward with his arms out, stopping in confusion when Spencer took a step back into the alley.

"And I thought you were in Bucks County. Though given the fact that your team has this knack for knowing exactly where I am at any given time, I doubt you're actually surprised to see me."

A sharp chill ran down Toby's spine. "What are you talking about, Spence?" he asked, trying to keep his voice calm. She couldn't be talking about what it sounded like. There was no way she could know.

Spencer's eyes narrowed. "You're a hell of an actor, Toby, but you can drop the act," she informed him, fighting to keep her voice steady. "I know what you did. What you've been doing to me and my friends."

All the color drained from Toby's face and though his mouth was open, no sound came out.

Spencer swallowed hard, closing her eyes a moment to try to push back the tears that were threatening. Despite everything she had seen, there was still a little part of her that had been desperately clinging to the thought that this was just A fucking with her head once more. The look on Toby's face, however, clearly showed her that this was not the case.

Toby took a step toward her and she stepped back once more.

"Don't," she told him, holding up her hand, shaking her head. "My safe place to land," she mocked, laughing bitterly at herself. "This whole time I've been twisting myself in knots over lying to you, worrying about protecting you, and it was all just a game to you."

"Spencer, you don't understand-"

"How the guy who said he loved me, the guy I thought **I** loved, could do something like this? Could be involved in torturing me and my friends for the past year and a half? You're right, I don't understand. And I don't want to.

"Pretending not to love me was the hardest thing you've ever done?" Spencer scoffed. "What about pretending **to** love me? Did it make you sick to have to touch me like that? To act like you cared so much? To look me in the eye and tell me you loved me? Or maybe you enjoyed that part of your twisted little game. Let's see how far along we can string pathetic little Spencer until she gives up everything to me – her heart, her trust, her _virginity_." She choked back a sob. "How could you _do_ that to me?"

"That was never pretend," Toby said earnestly, his eyes begging her to believe him. "I love you, Spencer."

Tears burned at the corners of her eyes and the lump in her throat warned Spencer that she was fast approaching a breakdown but she was determined not to give Toby the satisfaction of seeing her cry. "You don't know what those words mean," she said coldly, turning to walk away.

"Spencer, please!" Toby grabbed her arm, quickly letting go when Spencer jerked her arm away and spun around to face him. He staggered back a step as she stared at him challengingly, the unmistakable sheen of tears in her eyes, and he felt like all the air had been sucked from his lungs.

Her expression was hard but he had seen the flash of fear in her eyes and had felt her flinch beneath his hand.

She was afraid of him.

He was so caught up in his own misery, he didn't even see Hanna flying across the street to where they stood.

"Spencer!"

Hanna grabbed her friend's arm, ushering her toward Aria who stood a few feet away. The smaller girl linked her arm with Spencer's and led her across the street to where the car waited. Once the girls had started walking away, Hanna turned around to face Toby. Her heart was pounding in her chest at the thought that she was actually facing a member of the A team but memories of a sobbing, broken Spencer trumped her fear as she glared at him. "Stay away from her," she hissed. "From all of us."

Toby didn't respond, nor did he notice Caleb glowering at him from the driver's seat as Hanna hurried back toward the car, his sorrowful gaze locked on Spencer's retreating form. He prayed she would turn and look at him, come back and let him explain, but as he watched despondently, she climbed into the backseat with Aria, never once looking in his direction as the car drove away.

And for the second time in his life, Toby Cavanaugh found himself standing in an alleyway in Rosewood while tears slipped from his eyes, despair gripping his heart like a vise. She was gone, he realized numbly, and it was all his fault.

* * *

Note: I had had something slightly different for Spencer's dream originally but after this week's episode, it seemed too similar so I had to change it up a bit. Hopefully, it still worked out all right. Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

Title: The Cost  
By: Liz  
Disclaimers: I own nothing  
Author's Notes: Thank you all so much for reading, reviewing, favoriting, or following. I really, really appreciate it more than I can say. Now again, I know this isn't where the show is going as far as the Toby is A storyline but it's where I wanted to take it and I hope you enjoy. Thank you for reading!

* * *

"_There's some days  
__I can't get out of bed 'cause  
__When I'm awake I'm reminded  
__Of what it's like without you.  
__But every other second passes  
__And I'm expected to be some paragon of strength  
__Well let's hope I make it through this week."  
__-_ Inspection 12, _Again_

Emily and Paige were waiting for them at Hanna's house and Spencer realized that Aria or Hanna must have texted them to tell that about her run in with Toby. Not up for recounting what had happened a second time, she left the others to fill the couple in while she shut herself in Hanna's bedroom. And while her concerned friends discussed the situation and tried to figure out how to best handle things and help her, Spencer lay on Hanna's bed, her motionless body in stark contrast to the chaotic thoughts racing through her head, her mind unable to stop and focus on any one particular thought for more than a few seconds.

It was all true, she finally admitted to herself. He hadn't denied her accusations, only told her she didn't understand while her world had crumbled down around her. What was there to understand? He had betrayed her, had shown her that she didn't really know him at all.

It would have been easier if he hadn't been the sweet, wonderful Toby that she'd fallen in love with, if he had been different somehow, she thought as tears began to pool in her eyes. But he had looked at her with those beautiful blue eyes she had gazed into a thousand times before and he had told her that he loved her and remembering that somehow made her already shattered heart break all over again.

She had allowed herself to be so vulnerable with him, letting him see her completely naked in more ways than one as she shared things with him she had never told anyone, not even her best friends. But all of those personal things she had told him, he had only been collecting them, storing them up to use against her, she realized now.

_How?_ Her mind kept asking. How was it possible that this had happened, that what she had thought was a beautiful, devoted, loving relationship had all been a lie?

All of those nights he had held her, keeping away the demons and the darkness and the nightmares. How was it possible that in fact _he _was the nightmare? How had she not seen what was right in front of her? She hadn't been lying when she'd told him he was a hell of an actor. He had played his part in all of this perfectly; she had never suspected a thing.

There had been a time when she had believed all of the rumors about Toby, a time she, too, had believed he had murdered one of her best friends. That had all changed the first time she ever saw him cry. Cold-blooded murderers didn't cry alone in deserted alleyways just because people insulted them or because little children ran away rather than cross their path. She had been so sure of that. But apparently she had been wrong because now it seemed that that vulnerable, broken persona had just been an act, one more lie on his part.

Unbidden, her mind flashed back to a conversation she had once had with her late brother in law about Toby, long before she had even really known the blue eyed boy.

"_Don't tell me you're falling for that silent martyr crap," Ian said disgustedly. "You can't believe a thing that creep says."  
_"_Well, Toby Cavanaugh hasn't cornered the market on lying."_

How had _Ian_ of all people been right and Spencer herself so very, very wrong? Because Spencer _had_ fallen for it. And for Toby. And in the end, the one she had loved beyond reason, the one she had honestly thought she would end up spending her life with, the one she had _trusted,_ had turned out the be the biggest liar of them all.

Her friends understood that she was hurting and that she wanted some time to herself but they also refused to allow her to isolate herself completely. At various points over the next two days they tried to get her to eat and to talk about what had happened. When her phone began ringing and then beeping with text messages and voicemails, Hanna plucked the phone from Spencer's bag, informing her that Caleb would take care of it.

And while Spencer honestly did appreciate the care and concern of her friends, all she really wanted was to be left alone to attempt to figure things out.

When her mother texted Spencer early Sunday afternoon to tell her she would be home from Pittsburgh that evening, Spencer was finally able to convince her friends to let her return to her own home. Despite their initial protests, Aria had driven her home where Spencer had immediately retreated to her bedroom, finally on her own once more.

Not that being in her room was particularly easy, given all of the items it contained that reminded Spencer of Toby. Numerous photos, both framed and stuck on mirrors and corkboards, cards he had given her for holidays or sent her while he was out of town for extended periods of time on a job, and the shirts she had stolen from him during their time together decorated her room. And then there was the rocking chair.

Part of her wanted to curl up in the beautiful handcrafted chair and pretend Toby was holding her again while another part wanted to take her field hockey stick to it until it was nothing but kindling for the fireplace. In the end, she decided to move it to the guest room along with the box full of mementos of her time with Toby until she could think clearly again.

She spent most of her time lying on her bed and staring at the ceiling, caught in a state somewhere between sleep and wakefulness. When she was awake, her confused, pained thoughts immediately went to Toby, still running in so many circles and asking so many questions, she couldn't think straight. Sleep only brought more dreams and nightmares, though. And whether it was remembering happier times with Toby or seeing him committing deeds as A, she invariably woke herself up gasping or crying. It had occurred so many times over the weekend alone, she had finally given up trying to sleep, not wanting to disturb her friends any more than she was sure she already had. She was exhausted – not that she could really find it in herself to care – and as dawn approached on Monday morning, she turned to the small bottle in her bedside table.

Dr. Sullivan had prescribed Spencer the sleeping pills due to the brunette's insomnia following the night Mona had almost killed her. Toby had helped Spencer deal with the trauma following her ordeal, sneaking into her room after her parents had gone to bed and holding her until she fell asleep every night, but when he was away on jobs, it had been nearly impossible for her to sleep and Dr. Sullivan had gently suggested that perhaps she would benefit from a low dose sleeping pill.

Admitting to herself that she needed the pills had been hard enough – Spencer had certainly never let anyone else know that she had them. But she knew from experience that taking one would allow her to sleep deeply enough to keep the nightmares away and she reluctantly swallowed a pill, praying for at least a brief respite from her painful reality.

The sleeping pill did the trick and she slept deeply and dreamlessly. Due to the late hour at which she had taken it, she also slept right through her Monday morning classes. Not that she had been planning on going to school anyway.

Despite what anyone else might believe, the girls and Caleb had no doubt that Mona was still very much a member of the A team. And while dealing with her post-Radley presence hadn't exactly been a picnic before, the thought of facing her knowing smirk and snippy comments after everything that had happened with Toby was more than Spencer thought she could handle.

Fortunately, her mother was too busy to ask her any questions about anything. While Veronica might have been physically present in the house, she was in the middle of a case and aside from a few hurried hellos and goodbyes, she and Spencer had not really spoken since she had gotten back from Pittsburgh. In fact, Spencer was fairly certain her mother wasn't even aware there was anything wrong in her youngest daughter's world. She certainly gave no indication she knew Spencer hadn't been to school all week.

Her friends, however, were all too aware of this and were determined to help bring Spencer back to the land of the living.

On Wednesday, the three girls showed up early in the morning, all but dragging her out of bed and telling her to shower and get dressed because she was coming back to school, Hanna declaring that she would "beat Mona's ass" with her three inch Tory Burches if she even dared to look at Spencer. Spencer didn't have the energy to fight them and she showered, forgoing makeup and dragging her still wet hair back in a ponytail before putting on the outfit that Hanna handed her.

When she got to school, she merely took up space in her classes, sitting silently at her desk, neither raising her hand nor even bothering to take notes as the words of her teachers buzzed meaninglessly around the edge of her consciousness. Her friends were in full on protective mode and one of the girls or Paige or Caleb was with her at all times throughout the school day, practically guiding her from one class to the next and making sure Mona got nowhere near her at any point.

She passed the rest of the week in a daze and on Friday afternoon, she went to Andrew and told him she was quitting Academic Decathlon. He was disappointed but he reluctantly accepted her resignation. "Is it because of Mona?" he asked. "I'm sure we could talk to the administration and see about getting her removed. God knows there are extenuating circumstances at play here with what she did to you."

"You have no idea," Spencer muttered before composing herself. "No, it's just something I have to do. I'm really sorry, Andrew."

After school, Emily gave Spencer a ride home on her way to her afternoon shift at the Brew. Spencer didn't say a word during the entire drive and when Emily parked in front of the Hastings' house, she turned to face her silent friend.

"What are you thinking, Spence?" Emily asked softly, gently attempting to draw her out of her reticent state.

Spencer grimaced, blinking back sudden tears and swallowing before she spoke. "I wish none of it had ever happened, Em. I just feel so stupid," she admitted in a whisper.

"Oh, Spence," Emily said, her eyes understanding. "It's never stupid to fall in love."

"It is when it's all a lie."

Emily had seen the way Spencer and Toby had been together, how Spencer had looked calmer and happier than Emily had ever seen her look when she was with him, how Toby had looked so serenely blissful when Spencer was in his arms. Even a complete stranger looking at the couple could clearly see just how deeply in love the two were and Emily was having an extremely hard time wrapping her mind around the idea that it had been a lie on Toby's part. She also knew, however, that this was not what Spencer needed to hear right now so she kept quiet as Spencer unhooked her seatbelt.

"If you need anything, we're all here for you," she said instead. "It doesn't matter what time, we'll be here if you need us."

"Okay, yeah," Spencer said distractedly, grabbing her bag from the floor. She opened the car door before stopping and turning back to Emily. "Thanks, Em," she said quietly.

Emily smiled gently. "Anytime, Spence, you know that. We love you."

Spencer smiled for possibly the first time that week as she leaned over and hugged Emily. "I love you guys, too."

The girls parted and Spencer exited the car, making her way up the front path to her house. Once her friend had entered the house and closed the door behind her, Emily pulled away from the Hastings' house and headed to the coffee shop. Stopped at a red light, she released a heavy sigh, her mind still on her heartbroken friend. Were their lives always going to be like this? Having to be afraid to let people in, never knowing whom they could trust? Right now, the only ones the girls knew they could trust for sure were each other and Paige and Caleb. And while Emily and Hanna could still trust their own families, Spencer and Aria didn't even have that anymore.

For perhaps the 8,000th time since Alison had disappeared and everything with A had begun, Emily wished she could turn back time to when the biggest things the friends had had to worry about were clothes and homework, back to a time when they hadn't jumped at every shadow and text message. Back before their lives had gotten so incredibly, impossibly complicated.

* * *

Toby slumped on his couch staring at the cellphone in his hand. According to its log, he had called Spencer 20 times since Saturday and left more text messages than he could count. At some point on Sunday, his number had been blocked on Spencer's phone – he supposed he had Caleb to thank for that. Still, he tried her number at least once a day on the off chance that his number might have been unblocked and she might actually pick up.

His most recent attempt, however, had not been any more successful than his previous ones and he continued staring at the phone for another moment before he set it on the side table and dropped his head in his hands. How had things ended up this way? He wished she would just talk to him, let him try to explain. He knew she may very well still not forgive him but he had to at least try to make her understand why he had done this. Going on this way, with her not understanding, hating and _fearing_ him, was killing him.

His dispirited thoughts were interrupted by a sharp knock on his door and for a moment he couldn't move as he stared wide eyed at the door. Had Spencer gotten one of his messages? Had she finally decided to give him a chance to explain? He picked up his phone as if it might contain the answers he sought but the screen remained stubbornly blank. His brain finally reconnected to his actions and he leapt from the couch, shoving his phone into his pocket and hurrying over to the door as his heart pounded wildly in his chest.

His spirits, however, plummeted once more when he opened the door to find Mona standing there.

"What?" he asked gruffly, hoping she couldn't see the turbulent emotions in his eyes.

"Well hello to you, too," Mona chirped as she walked past him into the apartment. Toby closed the door with perhaps a little more force than necessary before turning to face Mona who was now perched on one of his kitchen chairs.

"When were you going to tell me that you broke up with Miss Perfect?" she asked as he approached her. "I wasn't sure at first," she continued, seemingly unbothered by his silence, "since it wasn't part of the plan, but it didn't take too long to figure out when you know what to look for. Poor little Spencer's just _heartbroken_," she sneered, a cruel smile curving her lips upward.

Never in his life – not even when Jenna's torment of him had been at its worst – had Toby ever even considered hitting a female. The urge to smack the smile off of Mona's face, however, was overwhelming and he bit the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood to avoid reacting.

After forcing himself to count to ten and remember what was important in this situation, Toby shrugged. "I was just done with it," he said, trying to keep his tone noncommittal. "After awhile, you get tired of having to spend so much time around someone you despise." He winced internally, almost choking on the words, but he forced himself to continue. "And she was starting to ask too many questions. You know her, always snooping around. She might have found something out if I kept her around any longer."

"Well, then you should have been more careful," Mona said snidely. "Still, I can't argue with the results. She didn't even come to school at the beginning of the week and her hair looks like it's forgotten what conditioner is. And today, she actually _quit _the Academic Decathlon. Spencer Hastings!" she added gleefully. Toby's hands clenched into fists behind his back, his fingernails jabbing into his palms as Mona continued.

"I wish I could have seen it. I'll bet she cried and begged. 'Please, Toby,'" she mocked. "'Please don't leave me, I love you!'" She smiled, clearly relishing the mental image, and Toby could feel the blood beginning to collect in his palms as his nails dug savagely into the flesh there.

He shrugged. "Not really," he said, trying to affect a bored tone. "You know how well she lies. Mostly she just seemed angry."

Mona's smile dropped slightly before returning full force. "Well, however you did it, it's a thing of beauty. I think you broke her," she replied delightedly. Toby's stomach twisted violently but he fought to keep his face blank as Mona looked over at him, a calculating look on her suddenly stern face.

"Still, you know she doesn't like it when you don't follow her orders."

"Well then I should talk to her," Toby responded.

Mona waved a hand dismissively. "You know I'm the only one she speaks to directly. I'll tell her what you told me." She stood abruptly and walked to the door. "I'll be in touch. Nice work," she added, before closing the door behind her.

Toby locked the door behind Mona, his hands shaking as the rage he had forced down during her visit made its way to the surface and with a grunt that was equal parts anger, frustration, and sorrow, he drove his right fist through the wall next to his bedroom door.

After a moment, he got his breathing back under control and slowly pulled his hand out of the newly made hole in the wall. Blood dripped from his knuckles down the back of his hand as he flexed his finger experimentally and he made his way into the bathroom to clean up.

As he flexed his fingers again, he acknowledged that he was lucky he hadn't broken his fingers or hand, which would have really pissed his boss off. Still, he wasn't the least bit sorry for his actions. The hole in the wall would be easy enough to fix and he actually relished the stinging sensation as he ran the cold water over his torn knuckles and palms. The impulsive action and its accompanying injury had been enough to take his mind off of the aching in his chest for almost five whole seconds, longer than he had been able to stop thinking about it since his confrontation with Spencer in the alley.

After drying off his hands and wrapping a layer of gauze around his knuckles, he turned off the lights in the loft and went into his bedroom. He pulled his phone from his pocket, looking at it a moment before tossing it onto his desk. Now that Mona, and by association the head A, knew about the break up, he would have to stop trying to contact Spencer. He couldn't risk putting her in even more danger just because he wanted to explain himself to her. He hated himself for causing her so much pain but it was better that than risking something even worse happening to her because of his actions.

He stripped down to his boxers before sitting down on the edge of his bed and picking up the framed picture that sat on his bedside table. It was a simple black and white photograph that Aria had taken one day when the seven of them had been hanging out at Spencer's parents' lake house the past summer and he felt his heart clench as he gazed at the image. Spencer was cradled in his arms, her own arms wrapped around his neck as he walked along the lake's shore. Their foreheads were pressed against each other's, their noses brushing, and the look of adoration between them was unmistakable. Toby brushed his fingers gently across the frame for a moment before he sighed, opening the drawer in the bedside table and sticking the picture inside.

Shutting off the light, he laid back on the bed, praying sleep would find him soon. Meeting Spencer and falling in love with her had been the greatest thing that had ever happened to him and though he desperately wished things could be different, he also knew her well being had to come first. The way he would have to go about it may have changed but his goal remained the same, he reminded himself as he closed his eyes. Keep Spencer safe.


End file.
